The Pain Of Yesterday
by Nadja Lee
Summary: Logan and Rogue grow closer as Scott is forced to face some painful memories from his past. Scott and Jean begins to have trouble and Scott finds Ororo is a greater support than he had ever thought possible...(Written before X2 was released).
1. The Pain Of Yesterday

The Pain Of Yesterday                               

By Nadja Lee          03-11-2000

English is not my native language. Please forgive me my mistakes.

Disclaimer: "X-men" and all the characters here belong to Marvel, 20 Century Fox and I intend no infringement, this is a piece of amateur fan fiction, and I make no money of it.

Only the original idea contained within this work is the property of the author. Please do not copy this story to any website or archive without permission of the author.

Timeline: Set a little after the movie

Universe: Set in the movie universe. Only the movie NOT the book that goes with it! 

Pairing: None really, but if you want to see it then we have very mild Scott/Jean and Logan/Rogue

Summary: A young girl is brought to the mansion and Scott may be the only one who can help her.

Archiving: Want, ASK, take, have.

Feedback: Yes, please. My e-mail address is neh@post10.tele.dk.

Rating: PG-13

Series: Part 1 in Pain Series but can easily be read as a stand-alone.

Thanks to Nancy for the Beta. You're the best! *hugs*

Thanks to Cristina for the read through and encouragement. 

Warning: Deals with child abuse. 

*mmmm * is telepathically spoken in the mind. " mmmmm "  is spoken out loud.  // mmm //  indicates flashback. 

Author's notes: Another VERY old fic I forgot all about. Hope it isn't so bad that I should have let it stay lost *laughs*

This is for everyone who wrote me and told me to get a move on and just post this fic already! Thanks, guys. 

Part 1:

"So, she still hasn't spoken?" Xavier asked Scott, his voice serious and concerned as he looked at Scott from the other side of his desk in his office. He had called Scott to his office to hear if the newest mutant to have arrived at the mansion, a young girl named Sarah, was doing better. He had been concerned with her lack of verbal response as well as any signs of attachment to her surroundings upon her arrival but he had hoped she would get better when she became more familiar with the school.

"No, Sir." 

The reply held an edge of concern but the words were automatic. Xavier smiled at the young man who was like a son to him. 

"I have told you repeatedly to just call me Charles." 

"I…I can't do that," Scott said uncomfortably and looked at his feet. It would bring Xavier too close to him; bring about an end to his defences…He couldn't explain to himself nor to Xavier why it was such a hard thing for him to do, why it mattered so much, but it did. 

_ I can't. Please don't ask it of me, _he thought desperately. 

"It's ok, Scott," Xavier said in a smoothing tone, having read his thoughts. "Maybe if you talked with her…" Xavier began, knowing Scott had been avoiding the young girl who had just been brought to them. 

"Isn't Jean better for that?" Scott asked, his voice holding a pleading edge. 

"She doesn't have your personal experiences in this." 

He saw the flicker of pain that fell over Scott's face before he could repress it and added more kindly. "I know you can do it. She reminds me of you in many ways." 

_*And that is why you have been avoiding her*, _Xavier sent to him. 

"I would rather not," Scott said softly. He had worked so hard to try and forget his past; he didn't wish to be reminded of it now. 

"Do this. It'll do you good," Xavier said with a final edge to his voice, hating to play it the hard way but knowing that Scott wouldn't agree to his suggestion unless he really insisted. 

"Yes, sir," Scott simply said and turned to leave, never even considering not to do as Xavier asked of him. 

*_I love you, son,* _Xavier sent to Scott, wanting to take the commanding edge out of his suggestion that Scott talked with Sarah. He wouldn't have insisted if not he thought it would do them both good. Through Scott's feelings the words _And I you, father, _formed before he left Xavier's office. Xavier smiled, knowing it was words Scott could never bring himself to actually speak nor say due to the scars his own childhood had left in him. But as a telepath, sensing the words in Scott's emotions were more than enough. 

Scott went in search of Sarah, the new girl, who had the mutant power of unusual quick bone growth inside and also outside her body. She was 16 years old and her mutation gave her an unusually gothic beauty but it wasn't the only reason why she wasn't hard to find. She was the only one not participating in Logan's game of soccer that he had arranged for the children this Saturday. She sat on a bench and looked at the other children playing. 

"Can I sit here?" Scott asked and Sarah merely nodded. "So, who is winning?" Scott asked her and she pointed to the red team with Rogue on it. Scott smiled despite himself. Logan was the only judge in the game and Scott suspected Logan of "overlooking" more mistakes on Rogue's team than on the other. 

An uncomfortable silence settled between them. Scott did not know what to say to her. She was a symbol of all the things he had worked so hard to forget. 

"So, have you finished the mathematics report for class tomorrow?" Scott finally said, not knowing what else to say. His mutant abilities had helped him excel in that subject and he often sought to drive conversations towards subjects in which he knew he had the upper hand when he was nervous or insecure. 

_Good job. Talk about work, why don't you?? She is sure to start talking of sheer excitement over a mathematical problem, _Scott thought darkly to himself, mentally yelling at himself for his stupidity_. _She merely nodded, her eyes on the game before her. The silence stretched out between them until it felt like a physical presence between them. It all became too much for Scott and he almost ran away from Sarah. He went to the garage to work on his bike, which he often did when he was frustrated. 

 He fought to hold the memories back as he knelt beside his bike, running a loving hand over it. He picked up a rag and began to polish it, his thoughts running awry. Despite his mental command for his thoughts to stay in a black state, images he wished he could forget began to dance before his mind's eye. 

//

 "You ungrateful bastard. Do you have any idea how much money you cost me?" 

// 

Scott began furiously polishing the side of his bike as if he could rub the pain and memory away. 

// 

" I shall teach you how to show respect!" 

" Don't. Please…Leave me alone."

_ // _

He rubbed viciously, not noticing the tears that had begun to run down his face as he remembered the feeling of pain and humiliation that the memories brought with them. 

 // 

"This will teach you!" _slap _ 

"Don't!!" _slap _

_" _You're nothing, you hear me, boy?? Nothing!"  _slap _ 

" Please stop...*sob*" _slap _

" You're nothing, y'hear? A freak.  A fucking One-Eyed freak!" 

/ /

Angrily Scott flung the rag across the room. 

"Damn! Damn! Damn!" he said hotly and retrieved the rag but couldn't continue his work. Instead he went inside the mansion.  He heard voices in the kitchen and went in there, hoping that company would drive his memories away. Sarah and Logan were there and Scott looked at the list of who should make dinner and saw it was their turn. 

"Can I help?" Scott asked. Sarah turned quickly around towards him, apparently startled, for she lost her grip on the plate she was holding and it shattered against the floor, breaking into a million pieces. 

"Hey, watch it," Logan grunted. Sarah backed frightened away from his angry tone and quickly bent to the floor, beginning to collect the pieces of the broken plate. Scott bent down and began helping her. 

"It's ok. He wouldn't hurt you," Scott whispered to her as he saw fear in her eyes. When the pieces had been collected and no punishment was forthcoming she looked confused, yet less fearful. She took out a new plate and went to put it on the table in the living room but as she was to leave she looked questioningly at Scott and he nodded and smiled reassuringly, understanding her silent question. "It's ok. You can leave. There's nothing more you need to help with." 

She gave a very small smile and left. 

"She sure is jumpy," Logan said and looked after her. 

"Yeah," Scott replied softly, lost in not-so-pleasant thoughts. " So, what are we having?" Scott asked with forced cheerfulness. 

"I don't know," Logan admitted and took off the lid of a steaming pot and looked down into it. "Some kind of meat."

Part 2:

"Sarah, your report was very good," Scott said as he handed her report back to her in class two weeks later. She smiled at him. Normally he didn't tell one student that they were good in front of the rest of the class but he made an exception with Sarah. He knew from experience how important positive feedback was. The bell rang and the class scattered. 

" Remember; pages 45-55. 'Till next time," Scott yelled after them. He sighed as he saw Sarah walk out alone. He still hadn't been able to make her talk, though admittedly he hadn't tried more than a handful of times and the conversation had never left the trivial stage. He knew what he had to do but he just didn't have the courage yet because it was as if as long as he didn't voice it out loud he could pretend it had never happened. 

"Where is Sarah?" Scott asked Rogue later that day, having decided to try yet one more time to see if he couldn't get those words that spoke of memories he would rather forget past his lips. He owed it to her to try.  

"In her room, Ah think," she answered. Scott frowned. Sarah spent far too much time alone. He had to talk with her; there was no more time for his own fears. Determined, he went to her room and knocked on the door. 

"Sarah? It's Scott. May I come in?" When she did not open the door Scott got worried. "Sarah, please open the door. Are you ok?" Still no answer but he heard a faint sound of sniffling. "That's it. I'm coming in." 

With ease Scott broke the locked door in with a well placed kick and found Sarah crumpled up in one corner of the room, hugging her knees and looking very fragile with tears running down her face but with eyes that seemed far away. "Ah, Sarah," Scott said softly, his voice thick with emotions at seeing her so lost as he neared her slowly. "I mean you no harm. I will only help you," he said smoothly. She watched him come towards her but when he was just one meter from her, she began shrinking further into the corner in fright. Scott stopped and sat down on the floor. 

"No one will hurt you here, Sarah. Please believe me." She didn't answer, just looked at him with slightly dazed eyes. Scott took a deep breath, knowing he had to talk now. She had only been at the mansion for three weeks; why should she believe words she had probably heard many times before only to find they were untrue? She needed the truth; a truth she could relate to. "I know how you feel. You're confused and don't trust us." Still no reply. " I know because I've been there." 

Now she looked at him, truly looked at him, and Scott forced himself to continue. "I can't promise you the pain will disappear because it never will but it will fade. And you are safe here. Whoever hurt you can't find you here." 

She looked at him with big tearful eyes and Scott added, "I'll take care of you. Together we can make it," she moved just the slightest bit towards him and he tried to contain his happiness. "You see, I need your help," his words were soft and serious.  

"You…need…me???" Sarah asked brokenly, disbelief clear in her voice and Scott smiled softly, his heart jumping in happiness because he had made her talk. 

"Yes, I do. I need you to help me to cope with my own pain." He slowly reached out a hand towards her but didn't try and grab her. "And I think you need my strength to move on," he added kindly. 

Sarah looked at his hand and slowly, carefully, laid her own smaller hand in his. He did not close his hand around it. She looked questioningly at him. 

" I would never do anything to you that you haven't asked me to," he whispered, remembering how he had feared any adult's touch for so long. Even when Xavier had touched his hand, he would wince. She smiled softly and gently closed his fingers over her hand with her other hand and went towards him. Tryingly she stopped before him and when he did not reach for her she went into his embrace and cried on his shoulder. Cried for so many years of fear and loneliness. Scott stroked her hair in a soothing manner and mumbled calming words to her and did not realise that he was crying too, for her but also for himself. Often the only one to cry for you is yourself but today Scott cried for Sarah as well.

Part 3:   

"She seems to be doing fine," Xavier commented as he looked out at Sarah in the garden from his office window eight months later. 

"Yes, sir," Scott said and smiled slightly. He had come to love the girl a great deal. She was like the daughter he would never have. The thought made him flinch. He of course understood Jean's reasons for not wanting children; they had dangerous lives and hectic jobs, just to mention a few. Another reason was that the child might inherit his deadly eyes and he didn't want any child to go through what he had, but still he loved children. A part of him still hoped that Jean might change her mind one day, even though she was a modern career woman and children did not fit into her schedule. Besides she had enough children, she said. She had the school and he could understand that and knew that Xavier felt that way as well. 

"She is very fond of you," Xavier said with a smile. 

"I know." 

Scott turned to leave but then looked back at Xavier and did something that he had never done before. He knelt by Xavier's chair and hugged the other man. 

"I love you," Scott whispered softly, finally saying the words he had never spoken before to anyone after he had arrived at the mansion. Then he quickly got up and left the room, almost as if he was afraid over his own emotions finally shining through. Xavier smiled warmly after him, happy to know that Scott had come a step closer to repairing the damage he had been subjected to as a child. Knowing Scott would worry whether or not his confession would be used against him and knowing of his feelings of insecurity, Xavier send a simple but warm mental message to him.

* _I love you too, my son_*

 Xavier knew that Scott had survived his childhood by keeping everyone at a distance. Still to this day his childhood had left scars so deep that Xavier had feared he would never allow anyone to love him or be loved back. Helping Sarah had led to helping himself, too, as Xavier had hoped. It wasn't like Xavier, or Jean for that matter, ever doubted the depth of Scott's love for them because, as telepaths, his love was as clear to them as if he had written a sign for them to read. Non- telepathic people, however, would often mistake his defences as coldness, which was far from the truth. Scott was one of the most sensitive people he knew. Maybe, just maybe, Scott now had the courage to try and open up to people. That thought made Xavier's smile stay on his lips for a long time, feeling he had come so much closer to having truly saved Scott for often it is the soul that needs the most saving and healing and not the body.  

The End


	2. The Pain Of Today

The pain of Today                             

By Nadja Lee     13/11/00 

English is not my native language. Please forgive me my mistakes.

Disclaimer: "X-men" and all the characters here belong to Marvel , 20 Century Fox and I intend no infringement, this is a piece of amateur fan fiction, and I make no money of it.

Only the original idea contained within this work is the property of the author. Please do not copy this story to any website or archive without permission of the author.

Timeline: Set after the movie

Universe: Set in the movie universe. Only the movie NOT the book that goes with it! 

Pairing: Scott/Ororo, Scott/Jean, Logan/Rogue

Summary: Scott and Jean falls apart and Ororo is there to pick up the pieces…

Archiving: Want, ASK, take, have.

Feedback: Yes, please. My e-mail address is neh@post10.tele.dk.

Rating: PG-13

Warnings: Mention of child abuse. 

Dedicated to: Viggo, my medicine professor, since I wrote it in his class. Sorry, I guess I really wasn't paying much attention yet again. You really need to work on making the lecture more interesting!

Series: Part 2 in Pain Series. Can be seen as a sequel to " The Pain Of Yesterday" but works just fine as a stand-alone.

Author's Note: This one is for Christina who asked for it. Hope you like!

Great thanks to Nancy who, as always, did a wonderful job as my beta. You're the greatest! 

Part 1:

"Scott, how's it going with Sarah?" Ororo asked Scott concerned as he came out from his office after yet another private talk with the young student. Her eyes were fastened on the young girl who had just left his office and was now walking down the hallway and out of hearing range. Sarah had been at the mansion for a little over a year now and the only person she had connected with had been Scott. However that connection was now beginning to become so strong that she barely wanted to let him out of her sight at all, giving them another issue to try and resolve. Despite Scott's eagerness to help, the whole situation was wearing him down in more ways than one but he wouldn't allow himself to walk away now; Sarah needed him and he would be there for her like Xavier had been there for him. 

Hearing Ororo's question Scott smiled tiredly at her. 

"It's going in the right direction but…" He looked sadly at her "...she has so much pain." At that moment Jean mentally called the X-men to lunch and whatever else he or Ororo would have said was cut short. Ororo watched Scott with a thoughtful expression as he walked towards the kitchen.

" So do you, my friend. So do you," she mumbled softly.

Scott stopped and turned around to face her, a slightly puzzled look on his face.

"You coming?"

"Of course," she replied and quickly walked to him so that they could go to lunch together. 

*~~~~~~~*~~~~~~~*~~~~~~~*~~~~~~~*~~~~~~~*~~~~~~~*~~~~~~~*

Much later that day Scott and Jean got ready to go to bed. 

"How is the new student?" Jean asked as she brushed her long red hair, sitting in front of a mirror in a short tight red blouse and shirt nightdress. Sarah had just been one of many issues over which they had fought lately. They never seemed to have any time to themselves and both blamed the other. He blamed her love for work and life in general which kept her booked with an extremely busy schedule and she blamed his 'hero complex', as she called it, which compelled him to always try to save everyone. Lately Sarah's constant demand for his attention, even when he had been on a romantic date with Jean to celebrate their anniversary, had really put the couple on edge. When Scott had chosen to go to be with Sarah to help her, leaving Jean alone for their anniversary dinner, it had resulted in a huge fight. Jean had said he didn't love her anyone and Scott had protested that it was the other way around since she only wanted to be with him if it fitted into her schedule as if his life and profession wasn't important. Lately it seemed as if they fought more than they made up and they both seemed to misunderstand each other more easily, almost as if they wanted to. The relationship that had once been so nice and relaxing was now another thing to worry about. 

Thinking back, Scott knew it wasn't all that new for them to fight, it had simply escalated, as if they only tried to stay together because it felt familiar. In fact ever since Logan and Rogue had first arrived at the mansion he and Jean seemed to have drifted further and further away from each other. They fought instead of speaking of their emotions and Scott began to wonder if maybe they weren't simply growing apart. They had begun dating when he himself had been in high school. Years did change a person a lot. 

"It's going the right way but very slowly," he said as he ran a frustrated hand through his hair. He really wished he knew what he was doing here because all he did was share his experiences with her but Xavier said it was enough; she needed to know she wasn't alone and that her suffering hadn't been her own fault. Unlike Scott, Sarah hadn't been physically misused; her stepfather had sexually abused her, something that in Scott's mind was even worse. Xavier had felt Scott's insecurity, his feelings that his pain was less than Sarah's, and had tried to talk to him about it to let him know that it wasn't so; all pain was equally strong. However Scott had always been good at repression and even better at putting himself down and blaming himself for every wrong ever done, something his foster father had been very good at teaching him and Xavier had a hard time reaching him. Though Scott had had more years to try and deal with his childhood abuse, it still wasn't something easily forgotten; he couldn't simply move on and Xavier had had to accept that both Sarah and Scott would be forever scarred by their pasts. He just hoped he could heal as many of those scars as possible.   

"She has suffered a lot," Scott added sadly, so softly that Jean didn't hear him. Hearing Scott talk practically non stop about Sarah and her problems was getting on Jean's nerves. She felt overlooked, something she wasn't used to. Worse still, she felt something slipping away from her and she wasn't sure how to try and fix it. Jealousy and frustration made her slash out in anger as she turned and looked at him. 

"I think she is playing you," her voice was hard and cold, far from her normal warm and caring tone of voice when speaking of the students at Xavier's school. Many things could be said about Jean but she had a terrible temper that matched her hair and she always lashed out in anger when she was in pain.  

"WHAT??" Scott asked disbelieving, his voice rising. He knew he was taking this personally but just as Sarah had been able to see parts of herself in Scott so had he in her. To hear an attack on Sarah, a callous dismissal of her pain, was like hearing it said about himself. He knew he was being unfair because Jean didn't know about Sarah's past. No one did save Xavier and himself. Seen from Jean's perspective, Sarah would come off as a clingy and demanding teenager but Scott's feelings were too wrapped up in this to listen to his own reason.  

"She wants the extra attention you're giving her. After all, only you have ever achieved such a reaction from her. I think maybe she has a crush on you," she tried to say it as calmly as she could. If Scott hadn't been so shocked by her words he would have heard the jealous note in her voice.

"I don't believe this," Scott mumbled in shock and disbelief. 

"It's ok. Everyone can be fooled." Jean fought to find a comforting tone but his reaction was not helping. Did he love this girl? Was she too old for him? They did have a ten year age gap between them which, when they had started dating, hadn't meant anything. As more and more years passed it began to matter more and more.

Scott's eyes widened behind his glasses at her words. 

"How dare you?!" his voice was low and soft, barely holding back his anger. He knew he was taking her criticism too personally but couldn't help it. Sarah reminded him too much of himself and attacking her felt like an attack on him." I have seen her pain. I have felt it. How dare you say it is not there?"

"Scott, relax." His strong concern and possessive manner were only fuelling her anger and, with it, she said something she wouldn't normally have said just to hurt him like she was being hurt. "It's like your headaches. If you ignore them, they go away."  

Things had taken a very bad turn really fast and they both knew it but it was like a snowball running down hill: impossible to stop when first started. 

Scott jaw tightened and his fists clamped and unclamped at his sides as he fought to control his anger.  

"I have pain every morning because of the headaches. Ignoring them doesn't make them go away." His words were a soft and angry hiss. He took a deep breath and tried to calm himself. How could he have been so wrong? How could he ever have been so blind? Their perspectives were worlds apart; they didn't talk anymore. They seemed like strangers now who just happened to be sharing a room. Yet their desperation to try and reclaim the past was slowly killing them both. "I understand Sarah's pain because I have felt it too." The words were a soft mumble Jean never heard but should have. Maybe if she had things could gave been patched up a little at least but they both hurt and they both retreated into themselves. 

Feeling suddenly very tired about all this, Scott went to the bed and took his pillow and a blanket and went towards the door. 

"Where are you going??" Jean asked him, alarm rising in her voice. He wasn't leaving her…was he? He couldn't! 

"I need to be alone." He answered, his voice tight with barely controlled anger and for the first time ever Jean was afraid of him and backed down. As he saw this he got a sad look in his eyes; he never wanted this…the slow death of their relationship was turning them both into people they never wished to be.

He was down the corridor before her courage came back. 

"You'll come back." The words held more hope and desperation than any certainty. "You need me," she yelled after him, trying to assure herself more than him. He needed her…she needed him.

"Not anymore," came Scott's dark reply to her words. He hated being put situated with his back against the wall, as if he had no choice. He had been there and never wanted to go there again. Too late Jean realised what her words would have made him remember and react to and she knew she had just pushed him away forever. Closing the door she went to the bed and softly cried into her pillow. Their love had died long ago. They both knew it, but breaking up and moving on was still painfully hard to do.

Part 2: 

Scott sat on the sofa in the living room in the mansion and just stared straight ahead into the darkened room, his pillow and blanket thrown into a smaller sofa standing to the right of the one he was sitting in, also facing the large table and the TV that stood opposite it. The whole mansion seemed asleep and the only sound that broke the stillness was the big clock on the wall. 

Scott's thoughts were far away, on Jean. He had loved her for the longest time but now he had to admit that his love had died long ago, he had just refused to admit it. He knew he had fallen in love with who she had been when they had been young as she had with him. Their relationship had been simple back then. Scott had needed Jean, looked up to her. She had been his lifeboat and she had enjoyed the part. As time passed he had needed her less and less. She had felt this was a rejection when in fact he had simply grown up and found his own place to be. He knew Jean liked strong men so that wasn't the problem. The problem was that they had been used to a routine of Jean going from being his doctor and savoir to his lover. When time had lessened the dependence he felt on her neither of them had been able to adjust the bond they shared to include this change. Thinking of Jean was bittersweet and he knew a part of him would always love her. Tears made their way slowly down his cheeks. 

"Is this a private party or can anyone cut in?" Logan grunted softly and seated himself next to the younger man on the sofa, his eyes having not missed the pillow and blanket thrown into the other sofa and had drawn his own conclusions. Scott quickly wiped the tears away, startled that anyone was still up. He didn't want to show weakness in front of anyone, least of all Logan. For a while they just sat in silence then Scott turned his head and looked intensely at Logan. Was the faint light from the moon playing with him or did Logan have a dried trace of a teardrop down his cheek? Scott's eyes and voice softened. 

"Trouble with Rogue?" He asked gently. Normally he would never pry into other's personal life but this night was different. It was a night of broken promises and dreams and he could just as well reveal them all, not just his own. Logan looked sharply at him and took in his tired face and puffed cheeks and he smelled salt in the air, betraying what his eyes would normally have seen if they hadn't been foiled by the red shades. 

"Yeah," he admitted and his eyes clearly said that he dared Scott to say something. 

"She loves you, you know that, don't you?" Scott asked him softly. It was no secret how Rogue felt about the tough Canadian. Every chance she got, she told everyone who would listen how brave he was, how great a man he was and so on and so on. Once you got her started it was almost impossible to stop her. Scott knew from personal experience when his English class had gone through Shakespeare's "Hamlet". How Rogue could possible relate that to Logan was beyond him but she had.  

"I know," Logan replied softly and sounded sad. 

"Don't you love her??" Scott asked him disbelieving. All Logan had done for Rogue; risked his life for her, almost died for her, it had to be love to do that. Scott, like most in the school, felt a strong protective urge towards the fragile girl and if anyone should try and hurt her, Logan included, Scott would personally see to it that they would never do so again. 

"Course I do," Logan said, almost angrily as if that much was obvious. " But she's just a kid. She deserves someone else." He fell silent for a few seconds. "Someone better," he added so softly that Scott had trouble hearing him. 

"She doesn't want anyone else. She wants you," Scott said strongly and felt like beating it into Logan's thick skull. Silence fell over them again as both men thought of love found and lost. 

"I need a beer. Want one?" Logan asked as all the conflicting emotions, love vs. friendship, need vs. logic, and want vs. honour, became too much for him. A shadow fell over Scott's face. 

"No, thanks," he said tightly. Logan shrugged his shoulders, not understanding the younger man's disgust towards alcohol. He would think that Scott, obviously in pain over his break-up with Jean, would want to forget the world for a while. 

Part 3:   

Logan went to the kitchen and grabbed a beer. When he returned to the living room Scott had that far away look on his face that betrayed he was deep in thought. You had to know him to see it, after all one couldn't see his eyes, but the tightening of his jaw, the wrinkle in his forehead told it all. Logan dumped onto the sofa next to Scott and startled the other man. Before Logan could react Scott's hand flew towards Logan in an instinctive defensive movement and knocked the beer over before Logan got a good grip on it again. Both men jumped up. 

"Sorry," Scott quickly said and saw that his T-shirt was soaked in beer and its smell sickened him.

"You should be more careful, One-Eye," Logan growled good-naturally. The sofa and Logan himself had escaped unharmed, so to speak. Logan looked at his beer. There was even some left.  He took a big swallow of it and looked defiantly at Scott's disapproving frown. Scott took off his T-shirt and stood in his boxers. Careful not to turn his back on Logan he walked towards the kitchen. When he saw that Logan wasn't looking after him, he turned his back to him and walked through the kitchen and into the washing room that was just beside it and put his shirt into the laundry basket.  He tried to see if he had any clean shirts lying around there but didn't find any. For once his own sense of order irritated him. All his shirts were in their right place, in his and Jean's bedroom, and he really didn't want to face her right now. He returned to the living room and saw Logan sitting on the sofa again. He walked over and sat next to him, still making sure he always kept Logan in plain sight.

"Everything ok between you and Jeannie?" Logan asked after a short silence though he was pretty sure he already knew the answer to his question. 

"No," Scott said darkly, honestly, forgetting everything but the pain he felt after his world had come crumbling down upon him. 

"You two broke up?" Logan guessed, sounding not the least bit surprised. 

"You're not surprised?" Scott asked him disbelieving. Logan shook his head. 

"Not really. You two were too different to make it work." 

"Hmm," Scott mumbled, deep in thought. As the silence had lasted for several minutes Logan figured he wouldn't get more out of his companion and decided to see if there was something on TV. He spotted the remote on the far side of the table to Scott's side and was about to stand and retrieve it himself when he recalled how Scott had tried to never turn his bare back to him. It made Logan mildly curious and thus instead he asked Scott to get the remote for him, hoping he would forget his caution for a few seconds. 

"Hand me the remote over there," he asked Scott and nodded towards the remote. Scott was so consumed in his own thoughts that he didn't notice Logan's watchful eyes on him as he stood up, turned his back on him and retrieved the remote, putting it on the table beside Logan. It was first when he sat back down again and saw Logan's shocked look as he did so that he realised what had happened.

"My god, who did that?" Logan asked him shocked and nodded towards Scott's back. Scott had got used to his back so when people saw it their reaction always surprised him. He wasn't used to sharing his pain or showing weakness and he saw his back as evidence of his own failure and therefore felt uncomfortable when others found out. 

"It's nothing," Scott mumbled and wished he could disappear into the sofa. 

"Nothing? I haven't seen something like it since WW2, " Logan almost yelled, not realising what he was implying, his anger at Scott's attackers evident in his voice. Though Scott and he weren't the best of friends, Scott had grown to become a part of Wolverine's pack, so to speak, and just the thought of anyone, especially someone under his protection, getting hurt made him growl in hate.

Scott winced at Logan's words. 

"Look, it happened a long time ago. Just forget it," he said strongly, hoping Logan would change the subject. Unable to stand the sympathy in Logan's eyes, Scott stood up and walked to the window and looked out over the garden. Logan got a full view of his back. It was criss-crossed with a fine network of small white scars. The abuse had been so often that not a single space of his back was left unmarked. In the soft light from the moon the scars became even more visible. 

Logan walked over to the other man, not quite sure how to react but needing to know all the same. 

"How long ago?" He asked with barely controlled anger. He hated any kind of abuse but somewhere along the way Scott had become a friend and that meant that for Logan this was personal.

"From when I was taken from the orphanage to a "foster father" when I was ten till the Professor found me when I was fifteen," Scott said softly, his voice tight with barely suppressed emotions and memories better left forgotten. "It was worse when he had been drinking," he added and stared blindly out into the garden. Logan didn't know what to do or say and looked desperately around for help. He knew what to do in combat but never in the combat of emotions. 

When Ororo in her long white night dress gracefully walked into the room, Logan could have kissed her in sheer happiness. He had smelled someone approaching when Scott had told him about his foster father but had been too angry to act on his instincts. Now he knew that Ororo must have come to the living room and hadn't wanted to disturb them yet she had still heard their conversation. Logan nodded towards Scott who still stood by the window and left the two of them alone, whispering in Ororo's ear as he passed her, "Take care of him, 'Ro'." 

Ororo nodded and gave his hand a friendly squeeze as he moved past her, whispering so softly only his heightened sense of hearing could pick it up, "I always will."

Then her full attention returned to her friend. She noticed how beautiful he looked bathed in the silver moonlight but her attention went to his sad face and defeated posture, not to mention the scars that seemed to scream to her. She tried not to let her shock over his scars show. He didn't need that now. She had always suspected he had been subject to abuse because of the way he would react in certain situations but she had never imagined it to be this bad. 

"Scott?" She asked gently and came up beside him, not sure what to do but wanting to comfort him all the same. They had been friends for many years and she hoped he would let her help him. 

"I sometimes see him, you know. In my nightmares," his voice was far way and she wasn't sure if he was aware that he was speaking out loud.

 "Who do you see?" Ororo asked softly and laid a calming hand on his arm. Scott turned and looked at her as if seeing her for the first time. 

"My foster father. Sometimes when I hear a noise, see a flicker of movement my heart starts to pump wildly in my chest…" His voice was soft as a summer breeze but held a world of pain as it died out. 

"He will never hurt you again. You're not alone," Ororo said, sympathy in her voice and eyes. Scott smiled gently at her. She had known all along. He had always known Ororo was more attentive than most gave her credit for. Her words also made him believe that she also known that, like Sarah, his greatest fear was abandonment. 

"Thanks Ororo," Scott said warmly, heartfelt, and took hold of her hand. Ororo smiled softly. 

"Anytime, dear friend. Anytime." Her voice and eyes held compassion, sympathy, understanding and ..maybe...more.

Part 4: 

" Ororo," Scott said happily as she came to him in the living room long after everyone else had gone to sleep. Since the night where he had broken up with Jean he had moved out of the room they had shared and into his own. His friendship with Ororo had grown steadily closer, much in thanks to their nightly meetings, which had became something of a tradition. Logan and his relationship had also improved enormously. Sure, they still disagreed on the methods with which to solve problems but in a tight spot they counted on each other. Logan had since the night where he had found out the truth about Scott's past been more protective towards the younger man and Scott knew it was a result of what he had seen and the natural protectiveness towards people he counted as friends that he shared with his namesake, the Wolverine. He remembered how surprised Jean had been the first time Logan had defended Scott. It had been about a combat decision that Jean had doubted. Ever since their break-up Jean and Scott had barely been able to be in the same room together. It wasn't that Scott hadn't tried; Jean had trouble accepting that he had been the one to break it off. She had left the mansion three weeks after their break-up, saying she needed some time. Scott had both been sad and relieved to see her go.

"Scott, you're worrying again?!" Ororo said softly and came up beside him. In her long white night dress, bathed in moonlight, she looked like the Goddess she had been thought to be. She was breathtaking and Scott often followed her every move with his eyes, admiring her grace and beauty.

"Sort of." He turned his gaze from the star filled sky to look at her. "You ever wanted to be free from it all? No past, no present and no future? Just the moment?" His voice held a dreaming edge. Ororo smiled and took hold of his hand as an idea came to her. 

"Come with me." 

She led him outside to the back of the mansion. Scott was only in his T-shirt and the wind was cold. Seeing Scott shiver Ororo called a wind to her and it warmed Scott. 

"You're not cold?" Scott asked her concerned. 

"I can't be cold, " Ororo answered with a smile. Then summoning the wind around her, she lifted Scott and herself into the air. 

"Stooormmmm," Scott yelled as the ground beneath him disappeared. 

"You need to learn how to let go. Of your pain and of your responsibilities," Ororo said gently and with a good grip on his hand she flew him over the garden of the mansion and towards the lake in the far corner of the property. Scott began to enjoy the feeling of air beneath him. It was the embodiment of freedom. Now he knew why Ororo loved to fly so much. 

Ororo slowed down as they were over the lake. It was stunningly beautiful to be able to stand on air a few millimetres above the water and see the stars' reflections in the lake. It was as if they were walking on an ocean filled with stars.  

"It's beautiful," Scott said in awe, meaning every word. He had never seen anything this beautiful. His eyes went to Ororo and his awed expression was replaced with one of warmth and caring. " Like its creator," he added lovingly and looked softly at her, making her blush. 

"Nature always is," she replied, not responding to his compliment for she didn't know what to say.  With her control over the wind, she made waves in the water. "See? You are free," she encouraged as Scott admired the freedom of flight. 

"Only with you. Only ever with you," he said softly and bent down and kissed her in the air. Ororo's emotions were reflected in the weather as a warm wind came around them and gently spun them around and up. Colourful leaves flew in the air as to make a ring around them. Reluctantly they drew apart for breath. 

"Say you're sorry it happened and lighting will strike," Ororo warned, her voice soft but with a hint of steel.  

"I would never say that. I think…I think I'm falling in love with you," he answered seriously, love in his voice and, if she could see them, in his eyes as well. He had always thought highly of Ororo and thought about her with warm feelings. Only now did he realise that it had been the beginnings of the feelings he was having now. He had spent a lot of time with Ororo since his and Jean's break-up but she had always been there for him even before then. She had always understood him, surprisingly better than Jean had after their relationship had started to fail.

"I have loved you since I first saw you," Ororo gently admitted and they drew closer and their lips meet in yet another passionate yet loving kiss. She summoned a wind to come to them and they landed next to the lake, the colourful leaves making a soft blanket for them and Ororo's wind keeping him warm.

Epilogue:   

Much later Ororo flew with Scott over the garden and towards the house. Scott enjoyed the freedom and let go of Ororo's hand. He started to fall to the ground until a gentle wind raised him back to Ororo's level. 

"What were you doing??" She asked him concerned. 

"I wanted to fly free. I knew you wouldn't let me fall. I trust you. With my love and with my life," he said seriously and gave her hand a gentle squeeze. "Only with you can I fly free, can I be me. I can never thank you enough for that," he said softly, meaning every word. 

"My pleasure, my love. My pleasure," she said softly, moved by his words as they flew on the winds of love toward the mansion, toward a better and brighter future.

The end.  


	3. The Pain Of Tomorrow

The pain of tomorrow                                

By Nadja Lee     04/12/00

English is not my native language. Please forgive me my mistakes.

Disclaimer: "X-men" and all the characters here belong to Marvel , 20 Century Fox and I intend no infringement, this is a piece of amateur fan fiction, and I make no money of it.

Only the original idea contained within this work is the property of the author. Please do not copy this story to any website or archive without permission of the author.

Timeline: Set after the movie

Universe: Set in the movie universe. Only the movie NOT the book that goes with it! 

Pairing: Scott/Ororo, Logan/Rogue and Jean/Warren 

Summary: Scott has fallen ill and asks Ororo the one thing she can't do. Or can she?

Archiving: Want, ASK, take, have.

Feedback: Yes, please. My e-mail address is neh@post10.tele.dk.

Rating: PG-13

Series: Part 3 of Pain Series but can be read as a stand- alone.

Warning: Character death! (kind of). 

Thanks to Nancy for great and wonderful beta. Thanks so much! 

*                    *                      *

"Scott, how are you feeling tonight?" Ororo asked her husband, concerned as she entered sickbay after having left him for a few hours to do some paperwork in regard to the school that couldn't wait. 

Scott had been bound to a hospital bed in the mansion's sickbay for a year now and his absence was obvious, leaving her with a lot more to do. Before he had been forced to let her help with the running of the school she hadn't realised just how much work he usually did. 

It was now evening, around nine, and stars had appeared on a clear late autumn night. She had been teaching classes all day but always ate all her meals with Scott and she had had a bed set up beside his so she could sleep with him as well, never leaving him as she had promised all those years ago. She hated leaving him for the slightest second but knew she had to. She just didn't like Scott to be alone and if she couldn't be with him someone else often was. If no one else, Hank or Jean would be there in their capacity as his doctors. 

" I'm …fine," Scott rasped weakly and with a small gesture indicated she should sit by his bedside. Gracefully as ever she walked through the room, sat by his side, and took his hand in hers. Once, when they had married, Scott had had strong hands, which could completely cover hers. Now, they were small and weak and she could easily fold her hands around his. Her long white hair had grey streaks in it but with years she had lost none of her grace and beauty. Scott's brown hair had also held grey streaks but now it was all gone due to the intense chemotherapy he had been undergoing. 

"The children want to see you. Won't you please let them come? It has been two weeks since last time," Ororo asked softly, her voice holding no hint of condemnation over Scott's decision.

" I …don't want… them to see… me… like… this," Scott said weakly and indicated the machine which was monitoring his heartbeat and all the other equipment around him. Soon after their wedding almost twenty years ago, Ororo and Scott had adopted Sarah. Even though he of course loved his two other children that he had with Ororo, Charles and Marissa, very much, Sarah had always held a special place in his heart due to their shared childhood pains. 

"Everything will be alright. I know it will," Ororo said softly, needing to reassure herself more than him. They both knew she was lying even though she didn't want to admit it.

"You…know…that…it... isn't…true. I'm…dying. I have…accepted…that…Why can't you?" Scott whispered weakly, no fear in his voice. He had always been a man of action and these past months had been hell for him. He had felt his body weakening and his strength leaving him. If it hadn't been for Ororo he doubted he would have kept on fighting this losing battle.

"I…can't. I love you." Ororo's courage finally deserted her and she broke down crying and laid her head on Scott's shoulder. "I don't want to lose you," she sobbed into his shoulder. He closed his arms around her and held her close. As her tears died away he whispered softly.

"Do…something…for…me?" 

"Anything," she vowed and wiped her tears away with the back of her hand as she sat up and looked into his shaded eyes.

"Take…me…outside…..Don't….let….this…," with a weak hand he indicated the white and sterile medical-lab in the mansion that had once belonged to Xavier but was now owned by Scott and would soon go to Ororo. "…be…the…last…I…see"

"But if I move you, you'll die!" Ororo protested and shook her head. She couldn't possible do what he asked. She of all people understood his desire to be at one with nature in the end but she couldn't do as he asked. She couldn't. She still clung to the foolish hope that there was still a hope to cling to. As long as he lived there was hope.

"I…am…already…dead," she wanted to deny it and began to sake her head but Scott spoke again. Do…this…for…me," he asked her weakly and she heard something in his voice she had never heard before; pleading. If she could have seen his eyes through the shades she would have seen a single tear forming in the corner of his eye and a pleading look. She remembered all too well that both Hank and Jean had told her that Scott's body was weakening. He was dying. Hank was the mansion's new doctor and teacher. Jean had been working part time at the mansion as a doctor but no longer as a teacher or anything else. She had instead been working in town, trying to find cures for deadly illnesses and trying to find out if there were ways to control or stop a painful and or deadly mutation. Despite their best effects and combined knowledge they hadn't been able to come up with any leads. Even after Jean had pulled on all her very rich mutant husband, Warren's, money and power to try and save her one time lover, and now friend, the result had still been the same. There was no cure. 

A part of Ororo was glad that Xavier had passed away two years earlier because she knew how much he had loved Scott. It would have hurt Charles to see him like this and it would have hurt Scott to know he saw him this helpless. Magneto had sought Xavier out when he had felt his won body weakening and he had spent the last year of his life with his old friend, living at the mansion. Strangely enough Xavier had peacefully died in his sleep only three weeks after Magneto died. 

She had tried to deny the truth before but she couldn't deny it any longer. She was losing Scott, her husband and the only man she had ever loved that strongly. Just the realisation of it almost broke her.

"As you wish, my love," she agreed in a tearful voice, trying hard to stay strong for him. She began releasing him from the machines. With the help of a gentle wind she took him in her arms and began flying him outside towards the lake. He wore only a long white hospital grown and she made sure to call a wind to her, which she laid over him like a warm blanket. He lay comfortably in her embrace, held up and warmed by the winds she controlled. When they reached the lakeside she lay him gently down on the ground on his side so he could look out over the lake, keeping the warm winds around him like blankets, preventing him from feeling the slightest chill. She lay down on the ground beside him, hugging him close from behind, their hands intertwined. She wasn't sure what he wanted and she had trouble keeping the weather from displaying the turmoil she felt within but she did her best to stay strong for him and even managed a small smile as she pressed her cheek to his back. Had he been able to stand she would have put him down closer to the lakeside, standing up so he could look out over the lake properly but by now his body was so weakened that he could no longer stand on his own power. 

" This...is…where…we…first…kissed," Scott rasped, joy but also sadness in his voice as he knew he would never fly free with Ororo like that again. A part of him was glad that he couldn't see Ororo's face for he didn't want her to see his sorrow. He didn't want her to grieve. She must have guessed his trail of thought for she rose and walked around him, kneeling before him and smiling sadly at him. 

She held out a hand and took hold of his as she said, "Come, fly with me." He was about to say something but she added very quietly and with a heartbreaking note that made him fell silent, "One last time." 

She called a wind to her and let it spiral around Scott, lifting him up and soon he stood beside her, floating a few millimetres above the ground. Scott smiled, enjoying the feel of air beneath his feet for the first time in a year. With a wave of her hand the wind moved him to her and soon he stood before her, both of his hands safely inside hers. Fighting her tears with a smile, Ororo let the wind slowly begin to move them out towards the lake as she showed him the freedom of flight, the wonder of nature, and the power of her love. But, more than anything else, she showed him life. She flew them over the lake and the wind made them spin very slowly around, the air still as warm as a comfortable blanket to Scott. Colourful leaves were lifted from the ground and flew to them, making a ring around the couple as they danced for them in all the colours of the rainbow and the stars made their reflections in the lake glitter like diamonds.

Scott gave her hands a light tug, letting her draw him close, her arms closing around his chest as her head fell to rest upon his shoulder. 

"Thank…you." The words were soft and grew steadily weaker as he spoke into her long white hair, his breath warm against her skin, making her shiver, something no amount of cold weather had ever been able to do. "I …love...you...always." 

Scott's whispered words grew fainter and fainter as he grew weaker. For a moment in time he had regained that feeling of freedom and wonder that flying with Ororo brought him. He felt his body failing him and knew that if Ororo hadn't called a warm and soft wind around him, he would have died long before now in the cold winter air. He knew that the only reason he was alive to see this day was because of the sophisticated machines his body had been hooked up to. 

"And I love you," Ororo replied with tears in her eyes as she knew this was to be their last journey together. 

Her embrace around Scott tightened in desperation and fear of what was to come until her grip became almost painful but he didn't voice a sound of complaint. Fighting back her grief she held him close, letting the winds keep him warm and airborne with her. Knowing how much Scott loved the feeling of air beneath him, she slowly began to spin them around and flew them a little higher in the air. The small leaves seemed to follow her as a halo as she flew with him over the lake that seemed covered with glittering stars made of water. Getting worried by his long silence, she landed on the lakeside and drew a little back from him so she could see his face.

"Scott?" She asked, worried as he fell forward into her embrace. She slowly eased him to the ground, trying to fight her tears; not wanting him to see her sadness.

"Ororo," he whispered so softly she could barely hear it, sounding as if he wanted to say more. He reached out a hand as if to gently stoke her cheek. His hand fell limp in midair and only her quick reflexes as she caught his hand in hers and took it to her cheek prevented it from falling to the ground. Knowing this was coming the world still seemed to freeze in shock when he became limp in her arms and the last breath left his weak and tried body.

"NOOOO!" She yelled in agony and cradled his body tightly against hers, desperately trying to will warmth and life into him. But he lay still, never to move again. The weather reflected her sorrow as snow flakes began to fall over the ground. Her tears fell on his shades like rain and she took them off with shaking fingers. He had hated the shades that made him see everything in shades of red and she'd be damned if he would die wearing them. Calling a wind to her, she angrily threw the shades into the lake. She cupped his face with her hands and placed a gentle kiss on his forehead as tears kept running down her cheeks. This was the first time she had ever seen his naked face for more than a few seconds when he changed glasses. He had always been so afraid he might hurt her without glasses…She studied his face intensely, saw the signs of aging…Saw his eyes frozen in death, a strangely calm look in their depths. Despite the effects of age and illness she found herself smile bittersweetly through tears at him; he was handsome. She looked at his frozen eyes. They were a soft blue, reminding her of the colour of a bright summer day.  And that was what he had been to her, an eternal summer. She let her fingers travel gently over his eyes. They were so beautiful yet she had only seen them frozen in death. She gently let his eyelids cover the blue of his eyes. 

"I promised I would never leave you," she cried miserably as she laid her head on his shoulder. A determined look came to her sorrowful eyes "And I won't!" 

She let her emotions run wild, allowed the weather to truly reflect how she felt. Snow fell heavily; the wind began to blow hard and cold. The coldness of the weather began to tear in her but she refused to fight it and instead let it possess her. She felt her blood freeze in her veins as the temperature dropped even more, letting her sorrow turn everything around her into a cold and freezing ice world. Every instinct in her wanted to use her power to warm herself yet she refused. Without Scott she could see no warmth or light anywhere. Everything turned to cold and hard ice. 

" I… will… never… leave …you," she whispered through cold blue lips and lay herself protectively over Scott's body as she felt herself weaken. Soon the cold granted her a sleep from which she could not return and her last movement was to try and embrace Scott even tighter. Then her strength failed her and her grip became limp. Snow fell from the sky as if it too cried for her sorrow and continued to do so until the last trace of life had left her body. As her heart finally stilled the sky stopped its frozen tears. By then the snow had fallen to lie as a white blanket over the two lovers, keeping them safe…safe and hidden.

Epilogue:

When Logan returned the next day from having visited one of his grown-up children who lived in Washington, fighting through politics to insure mutant rights, that was how he found them, covered by a blanket of snow by the lakeside. Ororo's frostbitten hand still held on to Scott's and her long white hair lay as a curtain over a part of his face. He was struck by how peaceful they looked. After a year of tears and pain, they had finally found peace in each other's arms. 

Logan was the last to say his farewells to the two X-men as he stood by the grave he and Rogue had made for them. He knew Ororo had had the power to stop her own weather creation of ice and snow as well as the coldness that had claimed her life but she had chosen not to. A part of him found comfort in the fact that they were together yet still he missed them. Scott and Ororo had been one of the few X-men who he had met from the beginning who were still around after so many years of fighting. Thanks to Rogue having absorbed some of his healing powers she would gain a few extra years of life than anyone else but he knew that one day he too would have to face the choice that Ororo had faced; die with his beloved or live on without her. 

As Logan stood by the small gravestone he had made for them down by the lakeside where he had found them he remembered something Ororo had asked him a few months earlier, which he had been unable to answer.

"Why is the man with the strongest heart in a body that's falling apart?"

There had been no answer to that then and he found there still wasn't and never would be. With a last silent farewell to the two lovers, Logan went into his wife's waiting embrace, knowing that he would appreciate the last years he had with Rogue with a much more desperate intensity, now that he had seen up close and personal how painful the loss of love could be. Of all the losses Logan had suffered through the years he knew the loss of his wife would become the worst and as he left Scott and Ororo's gravesite he wasn't sure if he would choose any differently than Ororo had. Only time would tell.

Rain fell like teardrops from the sky as if it too mourned the passing of lovers. Love had been found and love had been lost on the shore side of a small lake outside an old mansion in New York. Time passed and no mark was left on this earth of their love. Still it existed. Above the place where Logan many years before had placed their headstone a simple twin star shone and bathed the lake in its light. It is said that at night, if you look closely, you will see the Weather Goddess with snow in her hair dancing on the winds with the man with fire shining behind covered eyes. She'll spin them around and colourful leaves will dance around them and make a halo above them as they dance by the power of love. But when light breaks they disappear as if they were never here. Truth or rumour, no one knows, but look closely and you might find the Weather Goddess with the snow coloured hair dance on the winds with the man with fire in his eyes. 

**_The End_**


End file.
